~sanjiromorigami

(this is a repost of my LJ)
Once again i sit in front of a computer screen and reflect on what life has done to me and the routes i have taken. you know there is a small part of me that wishes life would just come to a complete stop at the happy times it tends to offer us, but instead it just passes them by as soon as they are there. It makes me so sad to see others that i care for in pain after the loss of thing that made them happy.
I have allways wanted to help those that were special to me, but saddly in the end i was too busy crying over my own losses that i lost sight of that. In turn i allso lost sight of my true goals in life, i just wandered around like a lost soul. I tried to mask my pain with pride and self accomplishment, but saddly in the end it did nothing but push me into a deeper sence of unworth and self hate for trying ot lie to myself.
At many times i have tried to pin the blame on other, but i allso tried to let it go too, this was some what of a lie because i never really did let it go, and that also grew in me tainting me to the vary core of my being. My sence of justice was also tainted, and i was lead to beleave that "if, in the end, everythign tuned out ok, then that was good enough" but i was wrong, so vary wrong. It has fallen to me now to atone for the mistakes of my past, because even if i dont, life will just move on without me, and i will be forgotten.
I am sorry to my mother, for thinking it was her fault that i was so bull headed, and there for had a want to actually hate her, i understand now that this was never the case, that in reallity i only wanted her to se me successfull and proud. I am not sure how she would react now, or even if i can really be forgiven for my sins of the past, but atleast in my heart now i really do understand that i was the one a fault, and in the end that is all that i can do now.
I am sorry to my real dad, for never really giving him a chance to be in my life or my heart, i had allways assumed that he was a man that had run away from the problems at hand and was low enough to sink into the arms of drugs an violence, only to later "find god" and expect to be tottaly forgiven, He was only scared, just like i am now, and for him, god was the one that he could turn to, to give hime the strength to confront life and all of its horrors as best as he could.
I am sorry to my friends and loved ones of the past, I have allways tried to derive strength from you all, Thinking in my mind that if only you were happy, then i was happy. I allso abandoned you all when i felt i was no longer needed, I told myself "As long as they remeber me the way i was, then that was the best thing i could do for them" and i did not want you all to be burdend with worry for me, on top of what was going on in your life. To the women that i shared my body with, again I pushed so much to be the strongest most dependable thing in your lives, only to forget about my own problems and in turn become less dependable to you. In the end, when you left me, i smiled and said that "as long as we remain friends it was all worth it" saddy i guess that only hurt more, im so sorry i could not just be the person you loved.
Finally, I am sorry to myself. I tried to fool myself into thinking all of these things were right only to lose sigth of the truely important things that stood right in front of me. I failed myself in school, and that hurt my later choices when looking for work. I failed myself in friendship and love, because i was not happy with things just they way they were, i allways wanted to hold onto that time forever, and in turn lost that time. I also failed my physical and mental self as well, lack of a good job prevented me from getting the money to feed myself proporly, and being so preocupied with other things lead my to neglect my own body so that i got hurt for more then i should have. Also all the time killing my mental stability that i had so prided myself on, because of all of the lieing to myself that everything was ok.
I have allways hated liers, above all thing, only to now reflect on myself and see the same thing that i hate. Some would say that all of this was atleast atempted with the most honest and pure intenttions, but i can no longer draw that fine line, i can only transend it.
At this moment the time for regret is over, i will no longer lie to my friends and loved ones ever again. I will speak my mind and my problems openly. I will take everything life has to offor me with a smile and a tear. I will never again become the old me, that me is gone, now i am born anew, in the flames of passion and truth. From this day on i will do everything in my power to make up for all that i have lost due to my stupidity, and i will once again be happy in the knowledge that people can look at me and see the real me.

Till our paths cross again, odaijini

(P.S.) As allways i have not fixed any of the grammer or punctuation, i feel that a post done with passion needs to be seen in its rawest form

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